Aerosmith and Music

If there was any way of expressing how Perinatal OCD felt for me it would be this song: "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" By Aerosmith. "I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing." I would take these words literally. "I don't want to close my eyes...I don't want to fall asleep..." I would cringe and dread evenings because I knew I'd not be sleeping. 

Delivery

Vail, Colorado

It was not Braxton Hicks, it was the "real deal" and it was happening during a full moon. I blame it on the worm moon that started my contractions. I woke up with a new burst of energy and very sharp alertness. I was officially nesting and quickly started cleaning, organizing, and preparing.

I wanted a natural, non-epidural birth story. I had planned on it being painful and intense. I had spoken to one of my close girlfriends that day who was recalling her recent birth of her son to me. She remembers sitting in her bathtub, squeezing her husbands arm and breathing through her gradual, painful contractions. I was experiencing exactly as expected but multiplied by 10. I had no idea that pain could exist the way it did. I had no idea that my body was capable of childbirth. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. 

I was in our townhome having dinner my mother-in-law had made. Sitting on a yoga ball as my replacement dinner table chair. I started timing my contractions and reminding myself it was going to be painful and it was going to get worse. My husband finally agreed to drive me to the hospital. I felt every bump on the road which I believed added to the sting of each contraction. I gripped the backseat handle in my left hand, and the seatbelt in my right. I looked out the window a few times and saw the full moon. 

With each contraction, I screamed and tried to breathe through the pain. I walked, I yelled, I cried, I needed words of affirmation. I held onto the bed and posts so tightly my hands and arms were insanely sore. I nearly broke my husbands hand. I mainly felt angry with each contraction. I wanted everyone to suffer and feel this pain because I felt so alone at the same time. I had no idea what was coming and fear and anger were the only emotions I could identify at the time. Everything needed to leave my body. The anger, and the food in my system all left with each contraction. Labor is such a small word but holds an immense amount of meaning.

Exhaustion had hit me in all different ways. With no sleep during labor and the contractions had started at 5pm or so, I was ready to just pass out from the pain. I went into the bathtub twice, but was not calmed.

I recall vividly, my final pushing phase, I was fully dilated and the nurse had me hold onto my right knee. I needed to push when she told me to. They asked for the doctor to come into the room and I was pushing. I remember reading that in between contractions, you are completely back to yourself. In between pushes, I turned to my husband and said, "It's happening, it's going to happen, we're going to have a baby. Okay?" His eyes started to squint with tears and I started to cry as well. 

I heard the nurse say, "I see the hair, it's black!" I turned to my husband and asked, "Can you, can you see? You can see the hair?" He kind of shook his head no, and the disappointment was a bit unsettling. The doctor said, yes, push, I see the hair. I said with relief, "Oh good, I'm glad it's not a redhead!" The whole room lit up with smiles and a nurse turned to the doctor and said, "Wow, making jokes during labor!" 

About 20 minutes of pushing, maybe less, and I could feel the baby leave my body. 

Finally, after carrying life inside of my stomach for nine months...I heard a screaming baby. They quickly placed the baby on my chest and I was in shock. My pain was gone, a baby was screaming in my ear the nurses said in between wails coming from the newborn, "like mother, like daughter!" Another nurse asked my husband, "Are you going to tell her the gender?" He looked at me and said, "Oh right, it's a girl."

She was an alien, I thought how odd she looked and how it was also a miracle I gave birth! I survived. I cried and turned to my mom, who had been with me the entire delivery and said, "mom! I had a girl, it's a girl! I had a baby girl!" My mom looked at me with wet eyes and said, "I know honey." 

I had a second degree tare, burning and stiff limbs. A new life of a small, innocent, helpless child was now my responsibility. We had two days in the hospital to try to learn everything possible about keeping this new life alive. My baby was jaundiced and the nurses were not sure if they should let us go home. After some routine light treatments for jaundice, we were able to tuck her into her new car seat and carefully, slowly drive home.

Pregnancy 2018

My husband and I planned for a baby. We read books and articles, and listened to advice from well-intentioned relatives and friends.

By the time we were both ready to have a child, I had traveled around the world, received two degrees, created a career path that seemed right, and found a partner I loved. We wanted to be a family of three.
I was shocked and thrilled to find out I was pregnant. We had planned on having a baby but never knew when we'd conceive. So, while we were "trying" I was taking extra safety precautions, down to the shampoo bottle; I wanted to make sure no parabens, BPA, phthalates, or other suspect chemicals could affect my body or the child we would conceive. For added insurance, I took prenatal vitamins, fish oil, and vitamin B religiously, prior to conception.

Early in the first trimester, my husband and I spent time in Eastern Europe which was the last trip we would take for a while. While traveling, I quickly learned about the changes that happen in the first trimester. For me, random back pain, a rash and severe nausea came at me fast and hard.
Our thirteenth week pregnant hit hard because we had a horrifying scare. For several hours, I experienced painful cramping and bleeding. I called a nurse on duty at our health care providers office and we concluded I was experiencing a miscarriage. I wept as I pushed through the pain while clenching my heating pad. That weekend I stayed awake, reading about miscarriages and next steps. We had a scheduled appointment that Monday morning, so we waited to be examined that day.
At the doctor's office, the ultrasound moved slowly along my belly and a heartbeat was quickly found. Relieved, I started to cry as my husband explained to the doctor we believed we were miscarrying and were bracing ourselves for bad news. 
I had several baby-showers hosted by dear friends and family members. My heart was full from all of the new mom advice and interesting stories from veteran mothers. 
There were several doctor visits, some more exciting than others. It was not fun having to drink the red juice to test for gestational diabetes, but hearing our baby’s heartbeat was always worth our time. We appreciated a specialist’s reassurance that worrisome test results and random bleeding did not show that there was a serious problem with our baby. I learned that often during pregnancy, there are no concrete answers and in spite of all we know, there is still mystery that comes along with the miracle of birth.
During my third trimester, I was ready to stop working. I would have mini panic attacks before falling asleep. I would lay in bed, half asleep and feel my body tense up and feel like I could not breathe. I would have to frequently remind myself that I was okay, everything would be okay and eventually I would nod off. 
I picked up all of the children’s illnesses at the preschool where I was working, including conjunctivitis, aka pink eye. After that experience, I gave in and decided to take my maternity leave a week early. I was exhausted two days before birth. So much that I couldn't get off of the couch to even take a shower. 
The following day, I had my huge burst of energy and what I believed to be Braxton Hicks again. However, my baby had a different idea!