March 2019

The take home period

I had a new life to nourish, feed, and keep alive. I needed and wanted her to be safe and to grow and be happy and healthy. 

I hadn't slept in days, since her brith, and I finally crashed on the couch. My husband had the baby and my mother was on a couch watching TV. I woke up in a whirlwind of emotion, crying out; afraid I had hurt her. I looked across the room and saw my husband holding the baby in his arms and something overcame me. I yelled with tears, anger, and fear at my husband, "Get away! Get the baby away, I can't touch her, I can't be near her, I'm going to hurt her!" 

He talked me down and said she was asleep and I wasn't going to hurt anyone or anything. My mother suggested I go upstairs and try to sleep and reassured me everything was okay. 

I went into bed, with wet tears in my eyes still and a fast heartbeat. I took a few breaths but the babies cry for milk happened very quickly. I heard a soft knock on the door and my mom was holding the baby and she told me the baby needed milk. I finally told myself it was going to be okay and I can feed her. She latched, a rush of relief flooded me and I repeated through tears, "She is so smart. She can do it. She is so smart." 

The following days were filled with nursing, cleaning, changing the baby, researching every squeak she made and trying to sleep. Now I had a life solely dependent on me which made me want to scream and yell and be free again. Before the baby, I was an independent woman. Suddenly I was a mother, everything was new and it was up to me to nurture and protect this new life.

I felt so desperate and helpless throughout those following weeks. She kept spitting up, she would not stop crying. "Why is she so challenging?" I'd wonder what I did wrong, I wondered, "why me?" And then I'd turn to my phone. I'd "google" for answers nonstop, I read about colic and the witching hour and purple cry.

I tried it all, I tried to change my diet, and decided to attempt non-dairy, more water, less sugar, more sugar. I would also try to put her to sleep by rocking the baby, bouncing the baby, and reading about how to sleep train the baby. Anything to get sleep while the constant background noise echoed in my head, "what is wrong with my baby? Why is this so hard?"