Intruders

I drove home and started my SSRI the same day I had been seen by the nurse practitioner. My husband and I had put the baby down to sleep and while we were watching TV on the couch, we were both startled by a knock on the door. It was the Psychiatric Emergency Response Team (PERT), asking if I was sane and if I had been hearing anything that seemed outside of reality. The nurse practitioner reported to the team that I was psychotic and may have Postpartum Psychosis. She thought I was planning on killing my baby and made a mandated report to social services.

For weeks we had unwanted visitors including social workers, PERT, therapists, doctors and officers questioning us and asking about our well-being. I felt angry, misunderstood and not validated. It was as if no one was listening, no one was able to hear me. I felt like I was going crazy.

My therapist was contacted by a PERT team member and she asked if I could come in and speak with her. I was hesitant because I had just been interrogated and still angry about the miscommunication. However, I agreed to come. 

When we met, the first thing she did was apologize to me and said she believed I did not have Postpartum depression but something else called Postpartum OCD.

“OCD?" I thought, "like the cleaning disorder?" She continued to explain what Postpartum OCD was. Perinatal OCD is a condition where new moms, pregnant or postpartum, create compulsions around the health and wellness of their newborn.  Often, new moms will have intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety, and engage in behaviors to reduce their anxiety such as avoidance. A wave of relief and understanding rushed through me. I was so happy to have a name for my condition!