Tips & Tricks with perinatal OCD

 Hello! I wanted to mention a few tips and tricks that have helped me with my OCD and share them all with you!

When you have an intrusive thought try to do the following steps: 

1. Name it, "this is just my OCD."

2. Acknowledge, “a thought is just a thought” (being present). Try finding: 5 things you see. 4 things feel. 3 things you hear. 2 things you smell. 1 thing you taste.

3. Breathe: This can be box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4 while imagining going around a box) or 4, 7, 8 (in for 4, hold for 7, and out for 8). Or any other breathing technique you know of.

4. Laugh: eventually you will be able to see the humor in your OCD. This doesn't come until later but it is helpful when you're in the thick of it and want to see some light in this process.

5. Practice !

Be an Advocate

 Advocacy is the Best Policy

advocate: standing up for someone or for oneself to argue the bettering of one's life. 

Let's advocate! What does that mean specifically; advocacy? I have heard of this term being thrown around but I haven't fully implemented it and pushed the importance of advocacy until recently. My advocacy for my three-year-old needed to be addressed and I'm so pleased I did.  

My toddler snores. Yes, I know, "how silly, how cute," when in reality, it's concerning. After I examined her breathing a bit more & worried about her continuous cough, our pediatrician was out of town at the time but I was able to get a virtual visit with an on-call pediatrician. During our virtual visit, that pediatrician asked if my toddler has ever sneezed. "Of course she has," I replied a bit irritated. Babies sneeze right out of the womb. The conclusion was: my daughter has allergies and I can try Zyrtec. Hanging up from that appointment I felt confused, upset and unheard. We started the Zyrtec (antihistamine) hoping that it would be the root cause of her cough. However, my daughter's immune system was then suppressed causing her to get more sick (Fun fact: antihistamines lower your immune system). So another few weeks of the coughing, the congestion and sleepless nights continued.  

Desperate, I asked for another appointment with her pediatrician. This time, in person. Weeks passed, the sickness and sadness, the confusion on my end (what did I do wrong?) continued. 

When I was able to finally meet in-person with our pediatrician, my daughters cough was alarming. I asked about her tonsils, perhaps they were enlarged, and told her about the snoring and her pediatrician suggested to take a X-ray for a further examination.

The results were very clear; she has an enlarged adenoid. An adenoid is soft tissue that sit above the tonsils in the back of the mouth. Hers are particularly so enlarged her breathing is being limited and her airway is compressed to 20%; hence the snoring. The lingering cough was due to a nasal drip that she couldn't fight. Had I not seen our pediatrician face-to-face, had I not asked for the x-ray, had I not said, "her snoring is actually concerning," we wouldn't be scheduling her surgery and meeting with the Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) specialist. 

Relief! Finally, my three-year-old's surgery was scheduled in early June 2022!  

Parents! We must advocate for our children. You have EVERY right to do so!

May = Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month!

WELCOME! 
That's a huge title for a blog post but... here we are! 

Updates: Lindsay and I have been continuing our Perinatal OCD group and it's success rates were so high that we now have PSI (Postpartum Support International) launching a group every Tuesday! Register here!

Podcasts that I absolutely love: 

HERself

Happy as a Mother

I often say, "I feel like I'm learning when I listen to a Podcast," and it's very accurate. I hope you can gain something from these podcasters.

Stay well friends! 

Please follow us: Perinatalmama

Support

October is OCD awareness month!

We are all in this together! If you feel you need some extra support, or would love to meet some new moms...  my cohost, Lindsay D. and I are facilitating this support group online: 

PSI Support Group

1st & 3rd Tuesday of the month @ 8:30pm ET/5:30pm PT
Starts October 19th

Our perinatal (pregnancy & postpartum) OCD group for moms is here to help those dealing with symptoms of OCD; like intrusive thoughts, obsessions and compulsions. Our online groups are here to help you connect with other moms, talk about your experience, and learn about helpful tools and resources. You do not have to have an official diagnosis to attend the group.

Held in partnership with the International OCD Foundation, these groups are led by PSI-trained support group leaders who have lived experience. They understand the emotional challenges of pregnancy and postpartum as a mom with OCD. You are not alone. We are here to help.  Register today

     

The Bug 2021

Shopping at stores or out in an area with children is great for me and my toddler. However, it also creates a small fear inside of me. A fear around the bug. The germs. The big eww, bacterial green, mucus-like bugs. I never want my baby to be sick. I don't want the restless nights, the fussy child, and the excessive tissues that always end up being used. That being said, it's inevitable. 

My toddler started with a tiny cough and it became a runny nose. Her voice was one pitch lower than usual and sounded scratchy. The fussy, irritable child with no appetite was a challenge these past few weeks. The lack of sleep and big emotions were hitting my patience button hard. 

We are getting through it, taking each day at a time. Yes, I have the impulse to scrub and clean and wipe down everything in sight. I want to make sure each germ is washed away. I also remind myself I have OCD. I will have some minimal and bearable thoughts and behaviors, but I can manage. I continue to label my OCD as a condition, to help others and promote it to the mental health world. 

The famous Frozen film, and popular song, "Let It Go," often is my new background music. It feels like a mental reminder that I can not control everything and I truly must let it go. 

July Twenty Twenty-One

Summer of 2021

We have been working hard to survive this ongoing pandemic. I am doing the best I can in promoting awareness around Postpartum/perinatal OCD and sending along resources to new moms/moms-to-be/mom friends. 

Transitions and change are always difficult. This is why routine is so nice, because predictability is inevitable when you are living in a routine. Whether it's a transition from a Magic Merlin sleep suit, into a crib from a bassinet, a new home, a facing forward carseat, it's all challenging! 

By simply putting a name on my "condition" made it way less scary! Sometimes I feel like, "enough is enough" and very overwhelmed, but I know it's my "OCD" and I am capable of pushing away my intrusive thoughts. My mental health feels more empowered than anything. I feel I have control over so much more now. I have less anxiety. I sleep through the night. I'm enjoying each moment with my husband and silly toddler. 

I have my life back, more or less and I am aware of my OCD. I have my husband who is the most patient and understanding person and my mother who helped reassure me that I truly am "okay." My network of mom friends is always growing and I love connecting with moms of all different backgrounds.

Please reach out to me if you want a new friend!

Intruders

I drove home and started my SSRI the same day I had been seen by the nurse practitioner. My husband and I had put the baby down to sleep and while we were watching TV on the couch, we were both startled by a knock on the door. It was the Psychiatric Emergency Response Team (PERT), asking if I was sane and if I had been hearing anything that seemed outside of reality. The nurse practitioner reported to the team that I was psychotic and may have Postpartum Psychosis. She thought I was planning on killing my baby and made a mandated report to social services.

For weeks we had unwanted visitors including social workers, PERT, therapists, doctors and officers questioning us and asking about our well-being. I felt angry, misunderstood and not validated. It was as if no one was listening, no one was able to hear me. I felt like I was going crazy.

My therapist was contacted by a PERT team member and she asked if I could come in and speak with her. I was hesitant because I had just been interrogated and still angry about the miscommunication. However, I agreed to come. 

When we met, the first thing she did was apologize to me and said she believed I did not have Postpartum depression but something else called Postpartum OCD.

“OCD?" I thought, "like the cleaning disorder?" She continued to explain what Postpartum OCD was. Perinatal OCD is a condition where new moms, pregnant or postpartum, create compulsions around the health and wellness of their newborn.  Often, new moms will have intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety, and engage in behaviors to reduce their anxiety such as avoidance. A wave of relief and understanding rushed through me. I was so happy to have a name for my condition! 

Therapy

Trigger warning: intrusive thoughts, harm, death

I had a hard time finding a therapist. And I know now how important it is to truly find the perfect therapist, someone you can connect with. I tell friends who seek therapy, it's like Goldilocks, you have to find someone that's not too big or small, but just right! It was a combination of finding someone who would take my specific health insurance, would offer telemed, and would work with my schedule, that of a new mother. 

It was winter and we had celebrated family holidays together in a new city, in our apartment, as a small family of three. My days were filled with reading books, pushing the baby in a stroller on walks, nursing, learning nap schedules, putting baby in her jumper, and going to the grocery store. 

I wanted to find new mom friends, to be able to talk to someone that I could confide in and who would understand me, because I felt so alone. 

My nine month old was now able to sit up on her own and was trying to crawl. I started to worry excessively about her choking, suffocating from a plastic bag, getting sick (vomiting, diarrhea), and her sleeping schedule to be disrupted. My mind would spin with the worrisome thoughts, “was she safe, having good naps, getting enough overall sleep, nursing properly, or learning enough?”

I tried to escape by reading. I received a kindle over the holidays and made use of it right away. I read a psychological thriller that really made me believe I was capable of murder. "Could I ever become a killer because I could relate to the character in the story?" I felt like I was going insane and it seemed like I had hit my breaking point; I was desperate and burned out. 

I found a therapist that I warmed up to. Luckily I was able to do therapy via telemed because everything was extremely hard with a 9 month old. I had a session with the therapist one morning and was retelling her about my recent experience of a scary thought. My thought occurred to me as I was nursing the baby. I would get extremely hot, almost start to sweat, I would shake and then I’d imagine pushing the baby off of me. I’d then grab her and squeeze her neck until her head popped off! I broke down, sharing something so intimate and scary.

As I retold my therapist this thought, she suggested that I contact my doctor and ask about postpartum depression and antidepressants. She wanted me to explain to the scheduler that it was important for me to been seen as soon as possible because I had thoughts of death and suicide. 

I went to my doctor’s office that afternoon but because my doctor was out of town, I was seen by a nurse practitioner. Through tears and shame I retold the nurse about my thought of murder and depression and death. She asked me if I knew these were not normal thoughts and if I knew that murder and death were not appropriate behaviors. I said, “yes of course, I don’t want these thoughts, that’s why I’m here.” She left the room a few times to ask other professionals about postpartum depression and wrote me a script for an antidepressant that was considered safe while breastfeeding. 

Perinatal OCD

My Perinatal OCD story 

by: Allison Livingston

"You're doing a great job, Mom!"

If you're suffering from perinatal OCD and reading this, I want you to know that you are a good mom and you are doing a great job. I know from experience that you are on a difficult journey, but there is hope.  

I welcome you to read my story here: My OCD story 

6 weeks mark

By May, I was officially at the six-weeks mark of postpartum. I was really excited because I felt I had survived. My doctor's appointment would happen this week, the baby was still alive, and I had heard that it gets much easier from here on out. I was severely disappointed when I was still unable to sleep. The colic baby would not stop crying and would not sleep which meant I would also not sleep. I would lay down and hear every footstep, breath, car and was consumed by thoughts about the well-being of the baby. 

I read up on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and other stories of anxious parents calling their pediatricians with statements like, "my child rolled off our bed and onto the floor and I think he's dead!" I worried about the bath being too hot, cold air freezing the baby, exposure to fluffy pollen, and my milk not being good enough. 

I continued to search for advice, or anything that allowed me to feel less anxious. I labeled my worries as "new mom anxiety." And I promised myself whenever I was with the baby, I would never leave her out of my sight, or trust anyone else, including my husband. I felt alone, exhausted and overwhelmed. I kept hearing in the back of my mind, “what a bundle of joy!” I couldn’t find that statement to be true at all. 

March 2019

The take home period

I had a new life to nourish, feed, and keep alive. I needed and wanted her to be safe and to grow and be happy and healthy. 

I hadn't slept in days, since her brith, and I finally crashed on the couch. My husband had the baby and my mother was on a couch watching TV. I woke up in a whirlwind of emotion, crying out; afraid I had hurt her. I looked across the room and saw my husband holding the baby in his arms and something overcame me. I yelled with tears, anger, and fear at my husband, "Get away! Get the baby away, I can't touch her, I can't be near her, I'm going to hurt her!" 

He talked me down and said she was asleep and I wasn't going to hurt anyone or anything. My mother suggested I go upstairs and try to sleep and reassured me everything was okay. 

I went into bed, with wet tears in my eyes still and a fast heartbeat. I took a few breaths but the babies cry for milk happened very quickly. I heard a soft knock on the door and my mom was holding the baby and she told me the baby needed milk. I finally told myself it was going to be okay and I can feed her. She latched, a rush of relief flooded me and I repeated through tears, "She is so smart. She can do it. She is so smart." 

The following days were filled with nursing, cleaning, changing the baby, researching every squeak she made and trying to sleep. Now I had a life solely dependent on me which made me want to scream and yell and be free again. Before the baby, I was an independent woman. Suddenly I was a mother, everything was new and it was up to me to nurture and protect this new life.

I felt so desperate and helpless throughout those following weeks. She kept spitting up, she would not stop crying. "Why is she so challenging?" I'd wonder what I did wrong, I wondered, "why me?" And then I'd turn to my phone. I'd "google" for answers nonstop, I read about colic and the witching hour and purple cry.

I tried it all, I tried to change my diet, and decided to attempt non-dairy, more water, less sugar, more sugar. I would also try to put her to sleep by rocking the baby, bouncing the baby, and reading about how to sleep train the baby. Anything to get sleep while the constant background noise echoed in my head, "what is wrong with my baby? Why is this so hard?"